“Dog Nab It! Slurp!” My Fake News about the Haitians Eating Pets. By Gene W. Edwards. Posted 9/16/2024.

Springfield, Ohio. News bulletin. “A sudden influx of veterinarians into Springfield, raising the city’s vets numbers by 50%, has finally been accounted for.”

You see, all of the dogs and cats that were in Springfield are now half-eaten. Found wandering the streets, you can see the bite marks on them where the eating left off. The missing half has, of course, been ingested. The remaining half is suffering!

Thus, veterinarians there spend all their time surgically assembling and sewing together disparate halves of pets — to make a whole pet. Half a pet plus half a pet is better than no pet at all!

It is difficult for the veterinarians to match halves. Sometimes they sew together half a dog with half a cat, or half a Chihuahua to half a Great Dane, which is still better than no dog at all!

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Next, unbeknownst to the human population of Springfield, those great animal lovers and humanitarians, Donald Trump and Laura Loomer, are sneaking out the newly assembled chimeras by the gaslight of Springfield’s dimly illuminated city lanterns shortly after dusk every evening.

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Where are they putting them? At Mar-a-Lago, that’s where! — in its bathrooms, meeting halls, under stairwells. In all the places where Trump had hidden classified documents there are now, instead, these new denizens…